katnipkitkat's Blog

A Theory of Religion

* Going on the assumption that God does exist

A Theory of Religion
(written while stoned)

In the simplest terms: our lives are actually the proverbial hell, you can proceed to your heaven once you can and do accept the truth.
Our lives are each unique. Nobody can know if what they perceive by seeing, smelling, touching, or hearing is exactly the same way as anyone else. I might perceive orange brighter than you, you might perceive marble to be smoother than I do. Some of our lives are awful, some are great, many in between. What could possibly be a tragedy for me might be the best day for someone else. Everything is in perception. Our physical construction might skew our perceptions a small amount, I think cultural bias skews perception even more. What we consider bizarre, others consider beauty. I believe this would be likely to be most prevalent in isolated cultures. Their cultural bias might be deeply ingrained into every fiber of their soul.
At the beginning of civilization there must have been many isolated cultures. These people knew only their immediate environment. There were countless species of plants and animals that they would never lay eyes upon. The concepts that they could comprehend were surely molded by their environment and the occasional odd happening that their science-less culture could never possibly explain.
Therefore, if man's assumptions of God are correct in that he is all knowing, God would know every corner of every brain at that dawn of civilization. God would know what every person on earth could and could not believe, could and could not accept. Knowing this, he would choose to reveal himself to these isolated primitive cultures in a form they could believe and accept. So, these isolated cultures, each with different environments and customs were shown that there was a God, and because the God contained many familiar elements they believed and accepted this. I think that this would then be the point in which God gave free will to man.
When a life ends I do not think God would send anyone to a hell as we know it. I think he would reveal all, the meaning of life, what was, what is, and what is to come and then allow them to choose if they will continue to follow him. If they choose God I believe they will not go to the heaven that we have always imagined, but that they will go to the heaven of their choosing. If they turn away, they will be sent back to be born again, learn again, die again, and choose again.
I simply find it ludicrous that a God would toss someone in a pit of fire simply because nobody bothered to let them know about religion. If there is a God, that choice to believe and follow must also be provided after death.

Thank you for reading the ramblings of a stoner.


Not sure what we smoked last night. Have a little bit of a headache, wanted to take some aspirin, somehow managed to end up with a pic of an almost empty fridge. Did I take that aspirin? Don't remember, better take it again just to be sure.

I miss him.

And it's not just because he died. I think he died inside a long time ago. Things had changed and he was no longer the person I was so crazy about. I was the one who found him you know...I could pretty much tell by the lack of breathing, lack of pulse and cold blue fingers that it was too late. But I had to call the ambulance anyway. I knew they wouldn't be able to bring him back. Even if he hadn't died there was nobody who could bring him back from the cold dark life he spiraled down into. Sad but true, I started missing him years before he died. He was just a different person that the fun guy I knew. But, I guess that was his fate. One of the saddest things of the whole situation is that by Japanese law you can not institutionalize someone against their will no matter how much of a danger to themselves they are. I wish when I think of him I cold think of the early days when we did all kinds of fun crazy stuff. But since I am the one who found him....well that image is the only thing that gets in my head. I cry not so much that he physically died, but the he emotionally died so many years ago. Our life together was getting more and more difficult by the day. Sometimes I blame myself, sometimes I feel that the laws of Japan are what killed him....but now I forgot what point I wanted to make when I started writing this because I had already taken my sleeping medicine, so I fell asleep in the middle of writing :(

He's gone.

Everything that I complained about him was true. He was wrong for doing all of the things he did. I guess it was wrong of me to wish him dead for it. Now he is. The marriage was a mistake. I was a fool. I don't know, maybe if he never met me he would still be alive now, maybe he would have killed himself sooner. I don't know. When you wish someone dead I guess you don't really honestly think that it will happen. But it has. I am not perfect and I am sorry for the things I have done where I have been in the wrong. But I guess what's done is done and I can't do anything about it now. This life has thrown me a curve ball and now I have to deal. I am not happy. I am sad. I have to stay here on the computer and just type. Just type so I don't go crazy. I am alone here. My family is back in the states. I can only hope my husband's family will be willing to help me for awhile. After everything is settled I will have to sell a lot of things, whether I want to or not and I will have to look for an apartment that is at least half the rent of the place now. Right now my anger and bitterness towards him is gone. I hope it stays gone. I am still broken up about the death of my father years ago. What should be happy memories of him only make me sad because I know they will never happen again. I fear the same will happen with the death of my husband. I will never get into another relationship again, I promise myself that. I just wish that I would go to sleep one night and never wake up.

Double *sigh*

Woke up today and more places hurt than yesterday.  I need to rest, took the day off work :(  I really wanted to >NOT< take days off work.


Nice trip to the police station today. Getting strangled in definitely not on my list of top 10 things to do on a Sunday morning.  Stupid husband.

If I believed in reincarnation...

I would say that Peter Lorre

has been reincarnated as Japanese comedian Reiji Nakagawa

Saving Grace


What the heck is the deal??

It's now 3am.  Last night sometime between 7pm and 8pm I got a call from my mother-in-law, she asked if the husband was home yet (he went out with some friends), I said no.  She said that their shower/bath was broken and was wanting to ask if their other son could borrow ours.  (I assumed he was still at work which was why she called instead of him).  I said sure no problem and hung up.  I didn't know exactly when he would come so I cleaned up the bathroom real quick and set out a fresh towel.  I looked at the clock and it was about 8pm and I thought well he should be coming soon but there is also a chance he could have had to work a little later.  So I will just watch a movie on the internet in the meantime.  So I found a site where I could watch old black and white movies (which are now public domain) for free and started watching M.  Well, I fell asleep in the chair watching the movie (I wake up at the drop of a pin so I know he couldn't have come while I was sleeping and then left again because I didn't answer the door).  I woke up a little after the movie finished, so I guess it must have been around 10 or so and thought well I will take the phone over to the sofa and nap on the sofa where I can be most easily awakened by the phone or door.  Well, just a few minutes ago I heard the door and it was the husband coming home.  I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 3am.  I thought, what the heck! He never came to use the shower!  I went through the bother of cleaning it and everything!  I stayed up ( well if you consider napping on the couch rather than snuggling into bed staying up ) just to wait for him!  So annoyed!  If he wasn't going to come he should at least say so!  Makes me think he just hates me and the only reason he didn't come was because the husband wasn't home at the time.  (The mother-in-law probably relayed that fact to him after she hung up with me and he probably thought about it for a few minutes and then decided not to bother because he hates me.) I'm sure that must have been what happened.  There was no red light flashing on the phone that someone called but I didn't pick up, so I know that nobody even tried to call me to tell me he wasn't coming.  Does he really hate me so much that he doesn't want to borrow our freshly cleaned shower or even bother to notify me that he isn't coming??  Makes me sad and annoyed.

Money - Budgeting

A lot of people will tell you to stay away from credit cards because you will be tempted to just whip it out whenever something strikes your fancy and will end up spending more money than if you just carried cash.

Well, this may be true for some people, but, I have found that when I carry cash I tend to just slip into a mode that thinks well, heck, if I am holding this cash in my hand right now then that means I don't need it for anything else, so I can just spend it all!

So with the paycheck I got at the end of last month I withdrew about the equivalent of $300 USD and looked at my bank book and estimated how much I would need to leave in my account until the next paycheck and divided what was left plus what was in my hand by the number of days in my next paycheck and came up with ~$15.  So if I spent no more than $15 a day (this would include the cost of getting to and from work on the subway) then I wouldn't run out of money.  So when I got home, I put $15 in my wallet and put all the rest of the money I had withdrawn into a tin box.  So every day when I leave the house for work I carry $15 and my credit card. 

So the results have been that with carrying only $15 in my wallet everyday my average spending per day is around $8.  This is the cost of the subway right to and from work and buying a drink from the vending machine on the to and back from work.  I get points on the card I use for the subway (don't know exactly how that works) but every so often I will be able to charge the card with $14 worth of points.  When I get home everyday I put the change in my piggy bank (in Japan anything less than $10 (1,000 yen) is in coins).  I have $25 in my piggy bank now.  Looks like I should have money left over this month, for the first time in a long while.

I will put all the leftover money I have every month in another bank account I have and save it. 

With the credit card, I really don't use it that much.  When I think about using it I always think "I am going to have to pay this [expletive deleted] back!"  So I really only use it when something comes up, like the cat having to suddenly go to the vet.

I feel a little better.

28 days 6 hours 42 minutes 12 seconds

I wish it were true.


I may seem self-centered and only care about my problems, and bitch and moan about how bad everything in my life is.  Sorry.  But here is the only place I can do that.  I am too ashamed of my husband and what I have to go through to talk to my mother or most of my real friends about it.  Here seems the only place....doesn't even matter if anybody is listening (well reading) ....just putting it down somewhere seems to help to keep the pressure in the bottle under control a little bit.

Stress and anxiety

Ever since I could remember sometimes when I would, for example, get up and change out of my pajamas and put on a pair of jeans or whatever I would have a really weird feeling, like something was.....was just wrong....then I would immediately change into another pair of jeans, same brand, same color, same style, same everything and then the feeling would go away.  I never knew what it was, I never knew who to ask, so I just dealt with it by changing clothes more often than a normal person.  Didn't find out until I was around 35 that it was a part of a jumbled up mess of symptoms part of which were anxiety. 

Another thing I didn't know was how much a mental condition can affect your physical state.

I was living along in Japan, going to a school for veterinary nursing and my dad suddenly dies.  I made it back to the US as fast as I could.  But it really didn't hit me until some time after I had returned to Japan.  It was just like all of a sudden OH MY GOD MY DAD FREAKIN' DIED!  I was stricken with weird physical symptoms.  I couldn't eat anything at all, I would just throw it right up.  I felt like I was just too hot, from the inside out.  I laid with the AC pointed directly on me plus a regular fan.  I was shivering from my skin feeling so cold but inside I just felt way to hot and couldn't find anyway to cool down.  I went to the hospital several times over several nights to get some relief from with an IV drip.  But the symptoms would just come right back.  I had let my prescription anxiety prescription lapse and didn't think to connect it to these severe physical symptoms.  I couldn't go to school, I couldn't do anything.  I finally went back to the psychiatrist and he told me that if I start taking my medicine again I would get better.  I did get better. 

Now I know when I feel strange when putting on a completely normal pair of jeans to just take a simple little pill and it will go away. 

Many times I notice that I sometimes have a menthol like sensation in the back of my nose and throat.  This too is cured by my little pills. 

Another thing is my restless leg syndrome.  I have had it for a long long time.  I never saw anyone about it.  I wasn't even sure how to describe it.  No pain, no itch, just a weird weird sensation that if I didn't move my leg, even just a little bit, I would go crazy.  Since I have been on the anti-anxiety medicine I have noticed that the restless leg syndrome almost never rears it's ugly head.

Some doctors are total quacks and I can't stand them, but on the other hand physical and mental symptoms are so intertwined I am quite thankful for those few "Colombos" of the medical profession that I have managed to find.

So if you can't find the answers or are not satisfied with the answers you get, keep looking, always keep looking until you find what you need.

One thing I do remember...

I don't remember the first time we met, I don't remember the last time we met.

Henry Mitchell. 

When I was around 15.  We went out for quite a while.  His family was a little bit better off than mine, but no extreme gap.  We always used to go to punk rock shows in downtown Baltimore.

His parents had a small sailing boat.  They let me go on one overnight sailing trip with them.

I don't know where the photo is now.  But I took this one photo of him when he was looking at me.

We were only 15, it's not like we would be together forever or anything.  I mean how many people have actually ever spent the rest of their life with someone they dated when they were 15?  But, I could always just see in his eyes in the photo I took at that moment that he really truly loved me. 

I'll never forget that moment and that photo.

I don't remember ever seeing that look in anyone else's eyes when they looked at me.


Been playing musical bank accounts this week.  I have a credit card with a $3,000 limit.  $500 of which can be used for cash advances.  The total balance on the card is $2,914.60.  Well, it's all actually in yen since it's a Japanese credit card, but I'm just putting in dollars to make it easier to know how much it actually is.  The shopping balance is $2,621.25 and the cash advance balance is $293.35.  There is an automatic payment from my bank account every month for $70, $30 of which goes towards paying the shopping balance and $40 goes towards paying the cashing balance.  It is the same interest rate for both balances and I need to get that shopping balance down because as I am sure you can tell the interest on $2,600 is a lot more than the interest on $500.  I can only take out money from the ATM in increments of $100.  So with the mentioned balance, right now I only have about $85 of useable credit.  If I didn't have so much on my shopping I could take out cash, but I can only ever have a cash balance of $500 before I can't take any more out.  So I had some pocket cash and went to the ATM (you can pay money on your balance any day, any time) and paid $30 on the shopping balance.  So that was enough to enable me to withdrawl $100 in cash.  Which I turned right around and paid back into the shopping balance.  So even though the total balance has only decreased by $30 it has still decreased.  Until the shopping balance is all paid off I kinda want to keep the cashing balance maxed out to keep from being tempted to withdraw cash.  I plan to keep paying in little bits when ever I happen to have some extra cash. 

I am unable to save cash in my hand and cash in my account that my paycheck goes into and gets used for paying bills and daily needs.  So my final plan is when I get both the shopping and the cashing balances down to zero I will take out the whole $500 available (like borrowing because I have to pay back with interest) and put it in a different account to save.  And keep doing this until I have a decent amount saved up.  Enough so that if I need to leave this life I will have enough for deposits and stuff on a new apartment.  There is also the chance (as my mother is getting older) that I will have to return to America for a month or so on short notice if she happens to die....and I definately want to be able to have the money to do that if need be.  And if worse comes to worse I as long as I got the shopping balance down to zero I would still have enough available credit to buy a round trip plane ticket to the US.

This all started, I think, of my Social Anxiety Disorder and other disorders, I can't say no in many situations, no matter how much I want to or no matter how much I know it is a bad choice.  I just can't force the word "no" out of my mouth. 

Before I had a job, my mom came to visit.  It was nearing her birthday, there was a free trial estee facial treatment thing and I thought that might be a nice thing for my mom and I to do together.  I knew they would try to sell me expensive stuff and I knew that I would not be able to say no even though I didn't want to buy it.  But I also knew my mom would enjoy the experience so I went ahead.  And just as I figured they tried to sell me, I wanted to say no, but being in front of my mom and my anxiety and all I gave in and they let me pay for it monthly.  I didn't want to tell my husband because I knew he wouldn't understand and would get mad.  So when it came time for the monthly payments I would take money out of the cashing on my credit card or when I was given cash by him I would use that for the estee payments and charge the shopping on the credit card.  So that is how the credit card bill got high so fast. 

But he did eventually find out.  He got mad.  So I said fine,  I'll just get a job and pay for it all myself (I was running out of credit anyway (which he still doesn't know because I hide my bank statements whenever they come)).  Well I was lucky and got a job right away and was able to get the estee paid off in just a couple months after I got the job. 

Now I have a plan to get the credit card paid off and if I keep up with it, it will slowly but surely get to zero.  Yes slowly, but not as slowly as it was before.  If I can get an extra $50 to $100 paid every month in addition to the automatic $70 it will go less slowly.  So now, after musical bank accounts a couple times the shopping balance is down to $2,420.00.  So add the auto shopping payment of $30 to...let's say an average extra payment of $80.00 that would be $110.00 payed every month on the shopping balance, do some division and in 22 months the shopping balance will be at zero (that's not adding in the interest) if I just left it at the minimum $30 it would take 80 months.  As the balance decreases the interest charges should decrease too.

I also still have a US card.  An American Express.  I have been using that mostly for grocery shopping but I am trying my best not to use it unless me or the cats really really have nothing to eat.  My mom is kind enough to make the payments on that for me.  It may be taking advantage of her a little bit, but she gets the bills and she knows that I need to use it for groceries and sometimes when I need to take the cats to the vet.  If I can avoid using that card and it gets down to zero I will be able to take a cash advance on that too and want to put that towards paying of my Japanese card and/or savings, and I am sure she will understand, she knows how tight it is here.  And anyway, if she decides she doesn't want to pay it anymore she can just stop.  The American Express is in my name and if she stops paying it there is nothing they can do.  Just like all my other US cards she stopped paying (because she couldn't afford it after my dad's death).  But those were ridiculously high balances anyway.  Probably the majority of it was interest.  I think if you subtracted all the interest fees from the total balance I would probably just end up owing them like 5 bucks or something.  So screw them, they got bail out money from our tax dollars anyway.

Christmas is hard....

Christmas is first I didn't care, I was all too caught up in my new life.  Different country, different culture, lots of things to see and do all the time. 

Now I have settled in.  Regular job.  The same old daily grind. 

Yeah sure, they have Christmas over here.  I mean like department store sales and presents to your girlfriend kind of thing.


But they don't have the family Christmas thing going on.  I mean I remember once it started to get close to Christmas you would see all the places popping up selling live Christmas trees.  Dad would go into the garage or the attic and dig out the old beat up boxes full of those big bulb outdoor lights and the little lights for the tree inside.  Mom would pull out of the closets all the little Christmas knick knacks, doo dads, tablecloths, placemats, anything you could think of for inside the house.  We would go and pick out a tree and start piling on the ornaments, some of which probably over 20 years old.  I remember some awful Christmas shaped cookies with paper clips jabbed in them for hooks, coated with some sort of preserved shellac, I don't know, maybe it was some kindergarten project or something.  But my mom always insisted they had to be put on the tree.

I remember one year, I noticed that we had way too many ornaments to possibly fit on one tree.  So I told my mom we should go back to the tree lot and get another smaller tree for the foyer.  We had your average middle class house, but it was new so the foyer was pretty roomy.  We got the second tree and went with my suggestion to go with a blue theme.  We only used blue and white ornaments and lights on the small tree.  I don't know, I don't remember, maybe there were blue ceramic tiles, or maybe the walls were painted light blue, or maybe the rug in the living room right next to the foyer was blue. 

I don't remember much of the way the house looked.  We lived there until I was out of high school I think.  I should remember, I think most people remember, but....there is just so much I don't remember.  I don't remember what any of the gifts I ever got for Christmas were.  Should I? Do most people?  But I remember the things we did.

I remember the fires in the fireplace.  I remember the popcorn popper for the fireplace and making popcorn over the fire every season.  I remember going to the tree lot with my dad and looking at all the trees.  I remember hanging the Christmas socks on the mantle.  I remember that we always had a roast chicken and a roast ham for Christmas.  I didn't like ham but everyone else did, so my mom always made both.  I remember when we moved out into the country.  We had a big tree growing in the yard near the front of the house.  My dad would always decorate that.  It was very tall and he rigged together his old wooden crutches from when he broke his knee to use to hang the lights up at the top of the tree where he couldn't reach.  I remember the snow.  I remember shoveling the snow with my dad and being so tired after.  I remember thinking about how the snow was so heavy for something that looks all white and fluffy like clouds.  I remember the years when he had a mustache and beard and when he would come in from being outside for a long time he would have snow and ice stuck in his beard.  I remember the way the dogs liked to jump and bite the snow.  I remember how the cats just seemed to be annoyed by it.  I remember playing Christmas songs on the piano.  I remember driving to my grandmother's house every year.  I always liked my dad to take the back way when we got close because we would pass through a town that looked like my grandmother's town and the dog would think we were in he town and would get all excited and I thought that was so funny.  And he always would take the back way for me.  I remember going to my aunts' and uncles' houses.  All on my dad's side.  They were close enough that we could make the rounds every year.  I remember the one time we went to some relative's house on my mom's side.  It was awful.  They had this horrible TV, the picture kept rolling.  My dad didn't have any fun either.  We secretly complained to eat other about it when my mom was out of ear shot.  He always complained about the TV, he said their coffee was horrible and they didn't have cookies.  He said everyone has Christmas cookies.  It kind of became our running joke every year after that.  We never went back there for Christmas.  Even though they knew I didn't believe in Santa anymore they still always labeled one or two presents as "from Santa", even after I was 30.  I always thought Christmas wrapping paper was so pretty.  I would always very carefully unwrap my presents so I could use the wrapping paper again.  I always thought it was too pretty to waste.  They knew that and they always unwrapped their presents very carefully too so as not to damage the paper.  I have been gone from home for 8 years now.  My parents moved twice and my dad died.  It makes me sad to know I will never have a Christmas like those ever again.  But I am sure that box of carefully folded used wrapping paper is somewhere in my mom's house still.

But I still can't remember what any of the presents were.  But I don't know, maybe that is a good thing.  For I know that what is really truely important is what you do.  The time, that is what matters.  I would give back every single present I ever got if I could just have one more Christmas with my dad.

Do you remember your Christmas presents?

He didn't get it.....

I just watched Donnie Darko with the husband.  To me I see a lot of things in the movie that make me think about what is real, what is not, what has meaning.....lots of those kinds of things that nobody has the answer to.  The husband likes to rant about that stuff a lot, especially time travel.

He didn't get it.

I just can't believe his basic reaction to the movie was "Meh."

It's not like I think someone isn't deep or isn't smart if they don't "get" the movie.  But...COME ON!.....he rants about that kind of stuff all the time!  In fact he even broods over it sometimes!  You would think someone like that would find something in the movie that makes him think or ponder.  But no, nothing.

I am just dissappointed.  I thought we would be on the same wavelength at least about this.

Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all...or is it?

It is said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  To have loved is to have the knowledge of love.  It is also said that ignorance is bliss.  Two very common statements pretty much completely contradict each other.

But I think both are true in different ways.

People who have not lost someone they love are very few.    I think there are at least 3 kinds of loving and losing.
1. A family member/friend/partner you love dies.
2. A family member/friend/partner you don't realize that love until they are gone dies.
3. The family member/friend/partner doesn't die but the love does.

I think it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all is true for 1 and 2.  But, when it comes to number 3 ignorance is bliss definately wins.

When the loved one who dies before the love does you have the fond memories of your time together, depending on your beliefs, you can look forward to meeting them in the afterlife.

However, when it is the love that dies first, you are left with feelings (depending on the situation) of betrayal, being used, being a fool, having wasted your time, hate, sadness, among others.

If I could, I would trade anything to never have met my husband, to never haved loved him, and to never have had to see that love die.  If I could, I would trade anything for that one very specific blissfull ignorance.

WOOT! The husband is in the hospital!

Think of me however you like, but you just don't know unless you have been in my shoes.

I am very very happy the husband is in the hospital and may have pneumonia.

You may think this is not something to be happy about, but let me give you some history.

Dating period:
He lived in Nagoya I lived in Kyoto, far enough that we couldn't see each other every day, but close enough that we could see each other every weekend.  And far enough that the weekends were overnighters.

Whenever we would go out together, if someone asked him about what kind of job he had, he would tell them "My father has an air conditioning company and I do office work for him at his home office."  I was never told otherwise.  I (foolishly) though that what he was telling people was true.  The part that is true is that his father does have an air conditioning company and he does have a home office.  The husband is on the payroll as an office worker and does recieve a small salary for this.  However, as I discovered once we were married and I moved into an apartment with him in Nagoya, that him being on the payroll as an office worker does not equal him working in the office everyday.  What it does equal (in his case) is that his father is very charitable and allows his son to say he has a job while never doing any work.  Now as you can guess this came as a bit of a surprise and dissappointment to me to discover AFTER I had already married and moved in with him.

So you can now see one of the pitfalls of a long or semi-long distance relationship.  What he says he does for a living may be totally untrue. 

Married life:
Here I will list a series of events/happenings/conditions/whatever you wish to call them.
*Being drunk and falling asleep in random places in the apartment (including the toilet) at any time of day.
*Being very drunk and having friends over in the middle of the night on a week night to party it up when I have to get up at 5:30am for work.
*Being very drunk and talking nonsense non-stop
*Being very very drunk and getting explosively angy at lords knows what
*Being not drunk and getting explosively angry at lord knows what and breaking various things
*Being out of his mind and demanding the cat apologize to him
*Being out of his mind and explosively angry and yelling at me to get out or to go back to America
*Being out of his mind and overdosing on medicine and being taken to the hospital by ambulance after peeing all over the place.
*Being very very drunk falling, hitting a body part resulting in bleeding and/or extreme swelling and refusing to go to the hospital.
*Complaining about any symtom (no matter how small or how big) he seems to have and yet refusing to go to the hospital.
*Complaing about there being nobody who would hire him for a job because of his bad leg (He seems to forget that he already has a job at his father's company, he just doesn't go)
*Being not drunk and in a constant bad mood or depressed.
*Being so selfish that he complains that people are not thinking about his needs enough (though he never thinks about anyone else's needs.)
*Spilling things, knocking things over, overturning furniture and just leaving it that way.
*Falling asleep smoking (reason every single, blanket, sheet, comfortor, mattress pad, pillow, and cushion in our aparment has at least one burn hole in it.)

There is probably more, but I will leave it at that for now.  So now what you readers need to do is take that list and randomize it and keep repeating it constantly for 4 years.  Now you know my current life.

So the day before yesterday was the latest event.
I go to work as usual.  I come straight home. I see that the husband is at home playing a game on the PS3.  I ask him "How come you didn't go to your parents house?" (He made a promise he would go every day even if he didn't feel good because his mother said he needs to get out of the house even if just to go over there and sleep) This was apparently the wrong question for me to ask as I can instantly feel the hostile vibes pouring out of him.  He said "So I should go now then." (in an unpleasant tone).  I said "had you planned to go this afternoon?" he said "No." I said "Ok." and tried to leave it at that.  Then I put some left over pizza in the toaster over, made myself a glass of chocolate milk and when the pizza was ready I sat down at the computer desk and started eating.  He moved into the bedroom (which can be seen from where the computer is) and then proceeded to throw questions at me along the lines of "What kind of job can I do, nobody will hire me, this stupid leg always hurts, what am I supposed to do, I am just in the way here right?  It would be better if I weren't around, right?"  Of course I am thinking that yes you are in the way, yes I would be better off if you were not here, but I don't want to get him any more riled up than he already is.  He has asked me that question about what kind of job he can do too many times and I have always answered with things like the reception desk at a tattoo or peircing shop, or the front security desk at an office building, and many other jobs where you don't need to be standing all the time and he has always found some reason to dismiss all of my suggestions.  So I just have no answer, I can't answer that question anymore.  So at this point I am already falling into a depression because I know what is to come.  I could feel the anger in his voice as he was asking the questions and his reaction to my inability to respond is to totally blow a gasket.  Behind the computer desk is one of those Japanese wood frame paper sliding doors (called shoji), and he punches through the door from the other side towards me.  Things from my computer desk and my full glass of chocolate milk come flying at me and I get drenched by the milk.  I instantly grabbed my bag and ran out of the apartment and over to his parents house (which is just about 5 minutes away on foot).  His mother was home but she was waiting for her daughter and daughter-in-law and a family friend who give accupressure massage to come over.  The daughter and the in-law were scheduled to have the massage there.  So once everyone arrives and the massage starts the husbands mother comes with me back to the apartment.  I don't want to go back there but I know if I don't the chocolate milk won't get cleaned up and the house will stink.  Well, nothing got resolved during the "talking" I said "I want you to choose between alcohol and me." I also said "I would like you to go back to your parents house with your mother."  As you can imagine, this did not set well with him.  So I got the things together that I would need for work the next day and returned to the parents' house to spend the night.  At this point I could see no future for myself and was nearly ready to try to take my own life.  I took a little (just a little) bit more medicine than I am supposed to because I just wanted to escape to the land of sleep until morning.  When I got up in the morning his mother told me she had gone back to the apartment later in the evening to check on the husband.  She has a spare key and could unlock the door but he had set the chain so she couldn't enter and she couldn't get any response from inside.  Well, I had to go to work so I went.  After work I went straight back to the parents' house and his mother told me that she had tried again during the morning to enter the apartment.  The chain was still set and there was still no response.  We figured he had probably overdosed (yet again).  When his father came back from work me, his mother, his father, and his younger brother (who works with his father) all went over to the apartment.  His father used a chain snipper to cut the door chain and we entered to find the husband sitting on the floor in one of those chairs with no legs things in a puddle of pee with the PS3 controller still in his hand and he was totally unresponsive.  There were empty medicine containers on the table.  So his brother says "Well I guess we should call the ambulance." his mother says "Yeah, I guess so." and she calls the ambulance.  Nobody is panicing, this has happened so many times everyone is totally calm and pretty annoyed.  So he is taken to the hospital and his mother and I have to ride along to fill out the paperwork and stuff when we get there.  They do the emergency bit then admit him to a room for observation.  I return home to and gather up the chair with no legs, the not small throw rug, and the cushion he was sitting on into a pile because now I have to throw them all out.  So today after work the hospital calls and says because he now has a fever they want to keep him longer because he might be developing pneumonia.  I am overjoyed at this news!  Maybe from what you have read so far you can understand my joy!  I hope he has to stay in hospital for quite a while.  I look forward to at least a little bit of totally stress free alone time.  Now all I have to do is get rid of this pee covered pile in my living room!

One last note:
From motocycle accidents, overdoses, pneumonia, to intestinal failure, how many times does this guy have to face death to learn to get his act together????

So depressing.

I hate seeing happy people and couples.  It just reminds me of how crappy my marriage is.

I hate when I get off work and my cell phone rings and it is the husband.  I never want to answer it because I know he is only calling because he wants something.  I hate seeing when a mail comes from him.  I never want to read it because I know he only mails me when he wants something.  But I have to answer those calls and read those mail and then buy that stupid alcohol that he wants.  If I don't he gets all mad and crazy.  Right now I have to stop writing and make god damn food for his stupid ass.  God I hate life.

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Stress and anxiety, posted July 5th, 2011
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Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all...or is it?, posted May 28th, 2011
WOOT! The husband is in the hospital!, posted May 26th, 2011, 10 comments
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Father's funeral., posted April 1st, 2011
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Saturday night, posted March 20th, 2011
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Hanging by his Hair.Road - The Residents, posted March 18th, 2011
Mad World.....memories, posted March 16th, 2011
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Husband went crazy, posted March 3rd, 2011, 3 comments
Daigo, posted February 21st, 2011
A new goal, posted February 17th, 2011
Trolls, posted February 16th, 2011, 2 comments
My Bookmarks, posted February 13th, 2011
An old report on contagious cat and dog diseases I did for school, posted February 13th, 2011
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God the husband is an idiot!, posted February 7th, 2011
Homesick, posted January 17th, 2011
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